Ran into my ex

Ugh.  Double ugh.  And many stronger and viler words as well.  It has been almost four months and I was out for a walk on the weekend and there he was, walking the same waterfront route but clearly on a date.  I know he has every right to do so but I swear my heart stopped.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  He didn’t.  He made eye contact and kept going.  I know it was probably the right thing for him to do but it was so awful to watch the man I have loved so deeply walk past me and not even say hello.

I stopped and sat down and I didn’t get up for almost an hour because I didn’t trust my legs would hold me, feeling simultaneously terrified he’d walk back the other way and terrified he wouldn’t (he didn’t).  It was a surge of emotion that rocked me.  I know I’m sounding dramatic, but hey, this is my blog so I can!

Lost love is brutal.

I am picking myself up and I will go on and recover (in so many ways) but I am not there yet.  So my “win” for today is simply allowing myself to feel the grief and the loss.

Terror

This one is a big win, but a terrifying one too.  I entered a contest in my hometown to win $2000 worth of eating disorder treatment from a specialized team.  And I won.

Breathe.  In.  Out.

My first reaction?  Abject terror.

Why me? I only entered for the appearance of making strides.  I never win.  And now I know I should be happy and joyous… bring on the guilt for the stark reality that fear is the primary emotion I am feeling.

I know I need this but that doesn’t mean it feels easy or celebratory.  I am holding both my gratitude and also my fear close in my heart.

I am working to trust that this is what I need and that I will one day look back on this with a full heart and a full stomach.

Coconut Oil

I decided to jump on the coconut oil bandwagon 🙂  I tried out a little for my stir fry yesterday.  I’m working on keeping momentum so I’ll try for a bit more today.

I am holding in my mind the wise words of my therapist “I need to gain weight in order to be well”.  Plus, I remind myself “I want to be well to fully live and experience my best life”.

I’ve got a whole jar of coconut oil (scary for me!) – let me know if you have any favourite uses…

Whew!

I made it through New Year’s Eve… and I didn’t call him and he didn’t call me.  It hurts like hell and it also deserves a HUGE place on my accomplishment list.  It’s good to acknowledge the positive aspect of that step in order to keep myself moving forward.

And… I made a cake for my mom.  I licked the bowl. <3

1, 2, 3

Of course I start back up just before the holidays which means I may be sporadic in posting.

Today I celebrate three recovery “wins”…  And the challenge for me, is not to put qualifiers or diminishers on them (you know “I did this… but this is why it doesn’t REALLY count”) – I am going to own my successes without needing to defend why they aren’t enough to my eating disorder.

1 – I ate fries.  Truffle fries.  They were good.

2 – I said “yes” to plans without knowing exactly what they were.

3 – I felt the sadness and loss of the time of year and in response, I didn’t use unhealthy coping.  What did I do?  I cried and felt sad.

May you all feel what you feel through the holidays and may those feelings include at least some fleeting sparks and rays of hope and light.  And preferably, of course, fireworks of joy!