Last night I had a bout of despair. Driven by fatigue and frustration and existential angst, I could no longer make sense of the life I am living. I had seen a good friend earlier in the day and had allowed myself, unwisely, to engage in comparison. Luckily, this post over at The Hurt Healer reminded me that I have only one life to live and to redirect my energies to living the life that is mine. After all, it’s the only one I have.
Somehow, though, that is harder to remember at 3 am.
It is unpopular to admit regrets and yet I have them. Many of them. They don’t always occupy my mind or steal my present moments but when life begins to overwhelm me with a constant draft blowing on my exposed soul, the regrets loom large. I want to learn to integrate these feelings and move forward with them as life lessons instead of repeatedly analyzing them, imagining that there may be surface unseen that could provide the explanation that will make sense of it all.
Many times, I am shocked that 10 years have passed with me remaining still in the grips of my eating disorder.
Worse, I am not free yet. Not even close. I poke half-heartedly at the edges of recovery, not willing to actually puncture the beast, to really let the pain and damage run free so that I can truly heal. Why can I not do that? Why do I see that I want things different in my life and yet keep doing the same things? How can I know that I want to accomplish things and that the status quo simply isn’t serving me?
I know this safety blanket is not working but I keep wrapping myself up tighter within it.
Let me try to remember to be kind to myself. Let me try to know that this post-breakup time is something that eats at anyone in this situation and it only makes sense that I might turn to my past coping mechanisms. My counsellor keeps reminding me that I do myself no favours by condemning myself. After all, if I want to change I need to believe in myself and love myself. That’s pretty hard to do when I am busy berating myself for all the things that I have done wrong. All the ways I have made mistakes in this journey that is life.
Mistakes are human. I am human. And working my way through these moments… that’s not how life is lived. Life doesn’t begin when I get it all figured out. This IS life. I think that if I can accept that, and truly believe it, maybe that can help empower me to try just a little bit more. And that little bit more can grow.
I can grow.
I just need a little patience, a little love, and a lot of support.