I feel paralyzed by fear. Again.
If you have been with me for any length of time, you know that I recently broke up with my long term partner. When I wrote about it last time, I sounded sure and confident; it was definitely over and done with. He and I simply couldn’t be there for each other and so we had to say goodbye.
Like a fishingly vague Facebook status, it’s been complicated. And anything but clear cut and simple.
(Please feel free to stop reading now, I’m painfully aware of how repetitive this story is).
He has been contacting me off and on, and claiming to have reached a new level of commitment and love. He wants the chance to be there for me and to support me in my struggles and my recovery. The irony of course, is that I am highly resistant to letting him show me that precisely b/c I don’t trust it, and need proof. Proof I won’t let him give me. The circle goes on.
The spiral worsens as I’m not even sure that’s the real issue. I get caught up in ‘should we just give it one more “all in” try’? I arrive at some decision (depending on the day and time, it could go either way). Then I rapidly switch gears and start questioning whether or not we are compatible in the first place, regardless of commitment level! I go round and round that issue for awhile and then head back to the commitment issue for another go there.
Throw into the mix that I just don’t trust myself too. I have a hard time sorting out where is my healthy voice and where is my ed voice. I worry that I am giving in to the eating disordered mandate of isolation.
And though others can say (as I have said to friends myself) that if it’s meant to be, it will be, I’m still terrified of making the “wrong” choice. Of one day regretting it, no matter what I do. It’s all well and good to tell someone else that they are lovable and will find the love they deserve, but it’s another thing altogether when YOU are facing the unknown future. The possibility of alone.
And yet (you had to know I’d use that!)… as my therapist pointed out, and as I see in what I wrote above, I’m in no position to make a decision right now. Which actually is a decision b/c that means if he pushes for now, I have to say no. I have to respect myself and my journey enough to face the uncertainty, accept the consequences, and to know that I will be okay.
I may one day have regrets, or I may not. Either way, I will still be okay. That is the message I need to heed. Whatever happens… I. Will. Be. Okay.
I Will Be Okay
Thanks for tuning in to my rant.