Sex has been on my mind A LOT lately. Though not because I’m horny and desirous. Exactly the opposite in fact.
It is proving to possibly be the obstacle that will break my ex and I for good.
We’ve been reconnecting and I’ve had some really good times with him. He’s been attentive and supportive in a way that is new and exciting and hopeful. We’ve laughed and felt connected. No, wait. I’ve laughed and felt connected. He has tried and yet his way of connecting and being intimate is through sex. With me still being underweight and depressed, sex is pretty low on my list. In fact I think it has fallen off the bottom of my list and been recycled with last weeks newspapers.
This of course, has brought up many questions with no easy answers. Is sex a need or a want? I know it’s important to any relationship – the closeness and connection we experience with our romantic partners is deepened through sexual intimacy. That is clearly true for my man. So should I just put out and be done with it? Well, that’s not so good either. At a time when I am trying to reconnect with myself and learn to trust my voice and my body, the disconnect I need in order to engage in sex is rather problematic.
I know the logical thing to do would be to compromise and yet that just doesn’t seem to work. He can’t seem to turn it off ever and I can’t seem to turn it on ever. I have tried, I promise you. I have acquiesced because I want to give him that comfort. Right or wrong, the resulting detachment I feel leaves me sad and a little resentful. Okay more than a little. After all, without sharing all the details, it’s not been a complete drought for him, so is it really so hard to have one night of just cuddling?
Biology sucks sometimes. My biology says “you’re starving and sad, sex is out of the question”. His biology says “you guys have been on-again off-again for so long, procreate whenever you can”. Which leaves one of us miserable no matter what.
I hate feeling like a cliche. The sex-starved husband who is continually thwarted by the cold and distant wife. Not that we’re married, but the image fits. It leaves both of us feeling guilty and used at the same time. And I think it really may be the thing that breaks us. Which is just so sad.
I’m scared… Scared that this will be the issue that proves intractable. Scared that I have so little sex drive (it used to be quite healthy and I want those days back). Scared that he seems unable to be close to me unless there is sex. I’m scared of what this is doing to us.
And I’m so sad that the person I want to comfort me can’t do so unless there is sex involved.