Echo

I can’t believe I am back in this place again.  Basically read this post… Broken

I just reenacted that situation (with the same man, now almost a year later) – you’d think we would have learned the first time around…

Now I’m feeling sad and rather pathetic for being back here again.  And I am also reaching out to friends and family and gaining strength from their love.  I continuously wonder at their patience and grace in the face of my ongoing challenges.

For me, and for them, I will move past this.  I will pick myself up and be whole and grounded once again.  Just maybe not today.

Tears

I had been crying a lot lately (have I written this post before?… that message sounds familiar).

Crying sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for no reason.  Then I started to turn back to my eating disorder and numbed out much of the pain through restriction and denial.  It was as if I could float above myself, looking at the damage I was harvesting and say to myself “tsk, tsk, that’s not good.  Oh well.”  The familiarity of oblivion was so comforting.

I went in to therapy yesterday wondering at my detachment and how pervasive it was.  Thinking to myself that it really wasn’t such a bad thing after all.  After all, at least I wasn’t hurting.

Then my counsellor asked me how I felt.  She probed me about how I treat myself.  She brought to light all the ways I tell myself a sad story and then use it to run in terror from any risk of being vulnerable.  How I then end up once again mourning what I don’t have.  The cycle repeats.  And I am hurting more than ever.

I want out.  It’s so powerful to finally recognize how this journey really is a jagged line.  I knew that going in but somehow deluded myself that I could just make the changes and do what needed to be done, all the while of course never actually changing.  I had this vision of the outcome, a vision of a beautiful future and way to be in the world and believed that I could do a bit of work and then be there.  I have made progress, I have made changes, I have dipped my toes in to recovery.

But when the inevitable challenges of life have surfaced, I have retreated into the safety of the familiar.

This post is not my proclamation that from here on out, I will get it right. I won’t.  This post is my affirmation that the goal is still a worthy one, just as the author of the goal is still worthy.  This post points me back to a quote I love…

Courage does not always roar – Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying…

I will try again tomorrow.

A better week

This has been a far better, though no less busier, week than last (at least in terms of academic pursuits – my romantic life is a mess!  But that’s another story for another day).

Related to the romance mess was an interesting lesson in presence with my clients this week.  I had a painful and tortured discussion early this week that led to very poor sleep and overall mental burn out.  I was tempted to call in sick the following day but I had two clients booked and was acutely aware of my ongoing need to accumulate direct client hours.  And so I went in…

I had two of the best sessions that I’ve had in my entire practicum!  It was lovely and pleasant surprise.  I was so worn down that I had no defenses left.  Because of that, I simply didn’t have the cognitive ability to be “in my head” during the sessions.  Normally, I am highly conscious of myself in any exchange and I am quietly attempting to craft the best and most elegant response.  I spend so much time in my own head that I can lose track of my client’s moment by moment experience.

That day, my mental fragility did not allow for me to over think in that manner.  I felt raw and exposed and that forced me to simply follow my clients leads and respond in a genuine and unpracticed manner.  And my clients responded to that openness.  I ended up taking risks in my reflections and questions.  Those risks resulted in deeper emotion and new directions.  It was fantastic.

Out of my pain, I gained a valuable awareness of the therapeutic importance of genuineness and authenticity.  I have been taught these concepts repeatedly during my education, but as with any learning, the real life experience crystallized knowledge in a whole new way.

Exhaustion

Holy moley!  First week back at practicum and classes and I am exhausted.  I don’t know the last time I’ve felt this bone-weary tired and spent.  My body feels heavy and simply moving around my apartment feels like wading through quicksand.

This will be a short post… I just need to vent about my fatigue.  And to remind myself that it doesn’t necessarily “mean” anything.  Other than that I need to take care of myself and keep up with self care over the next while.

My start back has been bittersweet.  I keep telling myself I just need to get through the next 4 months and that 4 months will pass in a flash.  Of course, knowing that and feeling that are two different things.  I recognize that I will be doing a lot of self-talk and cheerleading over this semester.

I am also allowing myself to remain open to the possibility that if it all gets too much, I can stop.  I am not pulling the plug at this point, and yet I find it helpful to remember that I always can stop.  I am not sure if that is a healthy mindset but it’s getting me through right now.

I think I’ll have many early nights ahead…

Life is short

Happy 2014 to all!

I’m not sure if it’s just my overall mental state, or the holiday season, but I have become quite aware of the fleeting nature of life.  The past few weeks everything feels painfully delicate and precious and fragile.

I would like to say that this awareness has brought with it a new embracing of life.  Everywhere else I read, that’s usually what such realizations are followed by.  For me, though, it has just made me feel desperate and scared.  I am constantly vigilant and fearful and worried.  I hope that this highly anxious state passes quickly because it is not making me live my life more fully!

Of course it’s not all bad.  There is unquestionably value in realizing that perhaps the way I am living my life just isn’t working.  It isn’t aligning with my values.  However, it’s frustrating to me that I don’t quite know how to proceed.  I know things are “off” in my life and yet I still feel paralyzed as to how to move forward.  And I feel that weight of time ticking by and knowing that I can’t get these moments back.  I can’t get this time back.  Which fuels the anxiety and leads me again to feel the “stuck”ness of it all.

It was a real blessing to be home with my parents over the holidays.  This is where part of my indecision and angst comes in.  It was good in many ways and it made me realize how much I value my relationship with them.  And how they are aging and I don’t want to miss a moment.  It was safe and healing and part of me wants to move home (or at least to the same city) and just melt into that comfort.  At the same time, it also made me see that I want to have a family of my own like that and I know that won’t happen if I am hiding under the covers at mom and dad’s house. 🙂  I am getting older too and that does limit the time to have healthy children of my own.

For now, I will try to reframe this whole experience as one that will lead to growth.  Sometimes just acknowledging that something is wrong IS the first step.

But do let me know if you have any ideas about that second step… 😉