Embrace

Last month I was blessed to win a contest after commenting on a post on the wonderful site The Hurt Healer .

I was able to participate in an e-course created and facilitated by the lovely Jane Hinchliffe.  It was a month of art and journal prompts aimed at helping participants embrace life, including the good, the bad and the in between bits – just the kind of stuff that I always gravitate toward. 🙂  It was fun for me as I learned about some art mediums that were new to me that I will continue to use.

I share here my favourite activity – an art haiku!

haiku

Frazzled

My life feels discombobulated right now for so many reasons…

… Dealing with feelings regarding my ex and the dissolution of that relationship.

 

… Frustration in dealing with my diabetes and the inconsistent ups and downs.

 

… A distressing medical appointment that pointed to dismal prospects for recovery

 

… Lots to do for my final semester at school

 

… Anxiety about my qualifying exam for counselling

 

… Unfamiliarity in my return to work

 

… Internal pressure to complete creative works along with academic ones

 

… Summer events on the go

 

… Missing my family and wishing we all lived closer

 

… Feeling like I do too much and too little all at the same time

 

… Uncertain of so much in myself and my life.

 

 

Help!

I think I am unconsciously (and very unhealthily) addicted to the drama that comes from my ex.  I need you, dear readers, to help me to make smart choices.  Or maybe I just need to commit it to the screen so that my maladaptive behaviour can be clearer to me.

I saw him once recently.  A random meeting on a street corner that jolted me to the core.  We didn’t stop and talk but I watched him walk away.  He didn’t turn around and it broke my heart all over again, even secure in the knowledge that we were not good for one another.  Within the bad, there was an awful lot of good too and that was what came flooding back in that moment.  I sent him a quick text and didn’t hear back for five days (hmm, does that seem familiar?  why yes, yes it does).

Eventually he did respond and asked to meet again.  This was going into a very stressful week for me, finishing my practicum, starting new classes and re-starting work again after being off for a very long time.  I luckily had the presence of mind to say no and to recognize that I was too stressed to make good decisions.  But I may have sent him an “I love you” text.  Maybe.  Sigh.  Yeah, I did that.

Then, just now, another note from him asking if maybe we could meet now.  I responded “no” again but I so desperately want to say yes.  I want to see him, to talk to him, to find out how he is and what is happening in his life.  I am hanging on to a pitiful and likely self-destructive hope.

He hasn’t replied to my refusal and I am in knots about that.  Why is it so hard for me to let go?  Am I that weak?  Am I one of those dreaded drama queens who secretly thrives off of her self-made woes?

The reaction to hearing from him is visceral.  The idea of actually cutting all ties makes me physically feel sick.  As I said, I need help.  I want to cry.  I think I’ll just go do that.

 

Birds

Birds have become my anchor these days.

A few weekends ago, I woke before the sun and had one of those “dark night of the soul” experiences.  It was bitterly awful and raw.  I spent hours feeling as if the world was simply too difficult and scary to face.  Finally, as the sun was rising, I heard a bird singing.  A single voice sharing a cheerful melody and welcoming the light.

That song was my hope and salvation wrapped up in music.

Since then, I have noticed how surprisingly frequently we are accompanied by birdsong in my city.  Though it often melts into the general overture of car tires, sirens, and idle chatter, if I choose to listen, I can often isolate a trilling somewhere nearby.

I have chosen to allow these gentle sounds to ground me.  To intentionally tune in and be reminded that no matter how desperate or afraid or sad I feel, that there is still a note of hope playing on for me.  There is a connection to the world and to others that endures every misery.  This is a revelation that I keep experiencing anew and each time it humbles me with its grace and brings a grateful smile to me face.

Nature’s vocalist reaches out and offers me hope.

I accept.