I think I am unconsciously (and very unhealthily) addicted to the drama that comes from my ex. I need you, dear readers, to help me to make smart choices. Or maybe I just need to commit it to the screen so that my maladaptive behaviour can be clearer to me.
I saw him once recently. A random meeting on a street corner that jolted me to the core. We didn’t stop and talk but I watched him walk away. He didn’t turn around and it broke my heart all over again, even secure in the knowledge that we were not good for one another. Within the bad, there was an awful lot of good too and that was what came flooding back in that moment. I sent him a quick text and didn’t hear back for five days (hmm, does that seem familiar? why yes, yes it does).
Eventually he did respond and asked to meet again. This was going into a very stressful week for me, finishing my practicum, starting new classes and re-starting work again after being off for a very long time. I luckily had the presence of mind to say no and to recognize that I was too stressed to make good decisions. But I may have sent him an “I love you” text. Maybe. Sigh. Yeah, I did that.
Then, just now, another note from him asking if maybe we could meet now. I responded “no” again but I so desperately want to say yes. I want to see him, to talk to him, to find out how he is and what is happening in his life. I am hanging on to a pitiful and likely self-destructive hope.
He hasn’t replied to my refusal and I am in knots about that. Why is it so hard for me to let go? Am I that weak? Am I one of those dreaded drama queens who secretly thrives off of her self-made woes?
The reaction to hearing from him is visceral. The idea of actually cutting all ties makes me physically feel sick. As I said, I need help. I want to cry. I think I’ll just go do that.