Hold, please

Eek!  I have my final qualifying exam for my new career coming up in the near future.  I’m nervous and by nervous, I mean terrified.  Must read more.  And more.  And maybe then a bit more.

So I will be busy studying (or avoiding studying with mindless tasks 🙂 ) for the next little while and will get back to posting more after that.

Happy summer to all!

Seriously

I’ve realized I take people too seriously.  We already know I take myself too seriously, but I promise, this is a much lighter topic than many of my last posts. 🙂

You know how people often say, “we should get together”?  After living for 35 years on this planet, I still somehow think that people really mean it when they say those words.

This came to my attention recently when I ran into an old work colleague.  We chatted briefly and it was lovely to talk for a few minutes.  As we parted ways, she commented that we should get together with another old colleague for drinks soon and catch up on life.

I took that to mean “let’s actually contact friend #3, actually make a plan, actually set a date and actually get together.”

Days later, when I hadn’t heard back, it dawned on me that this was one of those cases where the words were not meant to be taken seriously.

Not in the sense that I think she didn’t mean them.  I think she did.  In fact, I am quite confident that she truly was happy to see me, she really was enjoying talking and she fully intended that we should get together as she said it in the moment.

Where it all went awry, I surmise, is that 2 seconds after we parted ways, her life started occurring again and all thoughts of what she had said just slipped away.  It’s easy to forget about that which is not directly in front of us.

This doesn’t make me angry and this post is NOT a negative social commentary or anything of the sort.  Rather, it just perplexes me that I continue to consistently misread such situations.  I am still surprised that I don’t have that social norm internalized at this point in my life.  I keep trying to make the plan come to fruition.

I think this is why work friendships often end up being the ones we regularly maintain.  Our colleagues are right there every day.  We remember to schedule “dates” with each other because we see each other.  We see each other enough to make the plan, and then we see each other later to remember the plan and finally we know we will see each other the next day so we keep the plan.  Nothing dire or dark about it, it’s just human nature to respond to immediate inputs.

My lesson in all this?  Human nature is fascinating.  We should get a drink and chat more about this. 🙂

Revolving Door

I feel uninspired to write here.  I get so much love and inspiration from all your comments and yet my life seems to sometimes be a revolving door of the same experience.  I feel sheepish as I think of you out there reading about the SAME boyfriend, the SAME doubts, the SAME self sabotage.

Interesting choice of words, isn’t it?

I feel like I was just about done and ready to step into the next phase of my life.  And I even sent him an email indicating that (which was a big step for me). He wanted a goodbye hug and I said yes.  Now he’s in my life and in my mind again and my world has turned upside down.

I know if I saw what I was writing, I would be shaking my head saying “girl, do you really think he’s changed?”.  But when it’s me, and it’s him, it is so much foggier.  He’s painting me a picture of a life I’ve always wanted and I know, I need to check within and wonder if that is just a dream that I am clinging to.

His arguments, his reasons all sound so logical.  The reasons why certain things have to be certain ways.  He’s got issues.  But I’ve got issues so how can I judge him for that?  My girlfriend used the words “emotional abuse”.  I feel squeamish even considering the term even though some things fit.  Or they do when I am alone, or when I am with her, but when he is there in front of me?  He pours out love and he is the man I know so well.  The man who knows me so well.

He is trying to show me he has changed.  He went to a doctor appointment with me (new health issues lately that I am contending with – advice readers?  never get an eating disorder) and it was not a particularly stressful appointment but it was so nice to have someone go with me.  I loved that.

And he’s giving me space to reflect.  Ridiculously, even as I am torturing myself with the indecision myself, I am so scared that he will decide in the interim that he has his changed his mind.  I fear that the chase is the motivation, not the catch (even if he is unaware of that himself).

People keep advising me to trust myself and listen to the voice within.  The problem with eating disorders (or maybe it’s just me?!) is that I don’t trust that voice.  After all, it tells me opposite things from one minute to the next.  And it tells me things to keep me alone with my eating disorder too (“you don’t need/want him… that would interfere with your food structure and rules.  too much work”).

I just want solid ground beneath me and once again my world has started to shake.  I just don’t know if he’s the one I can hold on to in order to find stability.

Hmm, I guess I had more to say than I thought.