I feel uninspired to write here. I get so much love and inspiration from all your comments and yet my life seems to sometimes be a revolving door of the same experience. I feel sheepish as I think of you out there reading about the SAME boyfriend, the SAME doubts, the SAME self sabotage.
Interesting choice of words, isn’t it?
I feel like I was just about done and ready to step into the next phase of my life. And I even sent him an email indicating that (which was a big step for me). He wanted a goodbye hug and I said yes. Now he’s in my life and in my mind again and my world has turned upside down.
I know if I saw what I was writing, I would be shaking my head saying “girl, do you really think he’s changed?”. But when it’s me, and it’s him, it is so much foggier. He’s painting me a picture of a life I’ve always wanted and I know, I need to check within and wonder if that is just a dream that I am clinging to.
His arguments, his reasons all sound so logical. The reasons why certain things have to be certain ways. He’s got issues. But I’ve got issues so how can I judge him for that? My girlfriend used the words “emotional abuse”. I feel squeamish even considering the term even though some things fit. Or they do when I am alone, or when I am with her, but when he is there in front of me? He pours out love and he is the man I know so well. The man who knows me so well.
He is trying to show me he has changed. He went to a doctor appointment with me (new health issues lately that I am contending with – advice readers? never get an eating disorder) and it was not a particularly stressful appointment but it was so nice to have someone go with me. I loved that.
And he’s giving me space to reflect. Ridiculously, even as I am torturing myself with the indecision myself, I am so scared that he will decide in the interim that he has his changed his mind. I fear that the chase is the motivation, not the catch (even if he is unaware of that himself).
People keep advising me to trust myself and listen to the voice within. The problem with eating disorders (or maybe it’s just me?!) is that I don’t trust that voice. After all, it tells me opposite things from one minute to the next. And it tells me things to keep me alone with my eating disorder too (“you don’t need/want him… that would interfere with your food structure and rules. too much work”).
I just want solid ground beneath me and once again my world has started to shake. I just don’t know if he’s the one I can hold on to in order to find stability.
Hmm, I guess I had more to say than I thought.