1, 2, 3

Of course I start back up just before the holidays which means I may be sporadic in posting.

Today I celebrate three recovery “wins”…  And the challenge for me, is not to put qualifiers or diminishers on them (you know “I did this… but this is why it doesn’t REALLY count”) – I am going to own my successes without needing to defend why they aren’t enough to my eating disorder.

1 – I ate fries.  Truffle fries.  They were good.

2 – I said “yes” to plans without knowing exactly what they were.

3 – I felt the sadness and loss of the time of year and in response, I didn’t use unhealthy coping.  What did I do?  I cried and felt sad.

May you all feel what you feel through the holidays and may those feelings include at least some fleeting sparks and rays of hope and light.  And preferably, of course, fireworks of joy!

 

Fresh Air

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I feel I am a cliche in stopping for so long and then shyly creeping back, but here I am.

It’s been quite the few months… an amazing vacation to Europe, a desperate try at reconciliation with my ex, a new business venture, and the ultimate break-up of the relationship (no contact for over a month – crazy!).  Lots of ups and downs.  The break-up has hit me hard (you’d think this time would be easier, but it’s not.  More familiar, yes.  But not less painful).  The new career activity is exciting and terrifying and exhilirating and overwhelming all at once.

Then there is the eating disorder.

I’m both embarrassed and proud in that respect.  Embarrassed that it is still a very active issue.  Proud that since the break-up I have actively devoted time and energy to recovery (the relationship would always pull off that attention).

The busy-ness of life means I am choosing to spend much of my time in areas of my life beyond this site.  However, my therapist has been encouraging me to resume celebrating the wins in my recovery journey.  I decided the place for me to do that is here.

I plan to use this space to record my little wins and my big wins. I have lots of places and people that help me to process the challenges and this will be my place to acknowledge the successes.