This one is a big win, but a terrifying one too. I entered a contest in my hometown to win $2000 worth of eating disorder treatment from a specialized team. And I won.
Breathe. In. Out.
My first reaction? Abject terror.
Why me? I only entered for the appearance of making strides. I never win. And now I know I should be happy and joyous… bring on the guilt for the stark reality that fear is the primary emotion I am feeling.
I know I need this but that doesn’t mean it feels easy or celebratory. I am holding both my gratitude and also my fear close in my heart.
I am working to trust that this is what I need and that I will one day look back on this with a full heart and a full stomach.