Terror

This one is a big win, but a terrifying one too.  I entered a contest in my hometown to win $2000 worth of eating disorder treatment from a specialized team.  And I won.

Breathe.  In.  Out.

My first reaction?  Abject terror.

Why me? I only entered for the appearance of making strides.  I never win.  And now I know I should be happy and joyous… bring on the guilt for the stark reality that fear is the primary emotion I am feeling.

I know I need this but that doesn’t mean it feels easy or celebratory.  I am holding both my gratitude and also my fear close in my heart.

I am working to trust that this is what I need and that I will one day look back on this with a full heart and a full stomach.