This one is a big win, but a terrifying one too.  I entered a contest in my hometown to win $2000 worth of eating disorder treatment from a specialized team.  And I won.

Breathe.  In.  Out.

My first reaction?  Abject terror.

Why me? I only entered for the appearance of making strides.  I never win.  And now I know I should be happy and joyous… bring on the guilt for the stark reality that fear is the primary emotion I am feeling.

I know I need this but that doesn’t mean it feels easy or celebratory.  I am holding both my gratitude and also my fear close in my heart.

I am working to trust that this is what I need and that I will one day look back on this with a full heart and a full stomach.

6 Replies to “Terror”

  1. Life Breath Presrnt

    Congrats on stepping Into the fear! That binding fear is what keeps us back and I’m so happy to hear your looking that fear right in its ugly eyes and saying, Ha, I have a trust of something other than you fear! 😀

  2. Amy

    Oh wow! Congrats on winning and congrats for taking the leap of faith for yourself. It’s not the same, but last week, I got brave and volunteered for a workshop here at work that required me to give two 20-30 minute presentations. TWO. And I did it and I got certified as a trainer. And even if I never, ever, ever train anyone on what I learned, I am really proud of myself for stepping into my own fears and coming out the other side knowing I could do it and did it. I know the same will happen for you going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers through your treatment. 🙂

    • onebreath Post author

      Amy!!! It makes me happy to see you. I am so proud of you for what you are doing too and you have such great insight. It doesn’t matter how it all looks to someone on the outside, it’s your journey, your fears, your bravery. Congrats!

  3. Violet

    I was thinking the same thing about me – how I never win anything! Sure got a surprise last month when I won a nice bit of grant $$ for my classroom!
    It’s hard when we constantly think that we don’t deserve to win anything, and then we get smacked upside the head by an unexpected win? Yeah. You deserve this win. You deserve the help with recovery. You’re worth it!

    • onebreath Post author

      How exciting about your grant! Congratulations 🙂 You are worth it too and I know you will do good things with the money. Remember to include yourself in those good things 😉

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