I Moved

As in, apartments.  This was a really big deal for me and I am still in a little bit of shock.  Every memory, every dashed hope for the future, every good time came rushing back at me as I packed up my things and took my “last” walks through the neighbourhood.

My new place is literally a 10 minute drive from the old.  So really not such a big distance physically.

Over and over again, though, I am contending with the panicked thought that “what if he needs me?  He won’t know where I am.”  Logically, I know that doesn’t make sense.  We are broken up, he doesn’t need to find me.  If he does, he has many other contact routes.  But I can’t help mourn that feeling of looking down from my window and seeing him about to cross the street.  Then the sound of the buzzer ringing and knowing he’s on his way up.I really miss him.  Most of the time I know that it is my rose-coloured glasses doing the missing.  That I would not, could not go back to how it was.  But there were a lot of good times too and I often just wish I could feel his arms around me.  I keep reading the “missed connections” section of craigslist and it reminds me that there are lots of people in this state of longing.  I can never decide if that is comforting or just really sad.

He told me before we broke up that if we did, we could never go back because he couldn’t get over the time apart.  That fear kept me in for far too long.  That fear is also what keeps me from actually making any contact.  It hurts knowing he’s out there somewhere, but it would hurt more to try to connect and be turned down.

I know that I am just processing and this too will pass (though even that makes me sad, that intense feelings can fade so completely).  So I will ride this wave and know that change is hard for me.  When it happens, I naturally gravitate back to the familiar, good or bad.

Thank you to Purple Dreamer for your recent post – you reminded me that although there may be things to miss, there are far more to look forward to.  We can allow ourselves to be sad about the lasts while also being open to many new firsts.

With that said, I think I will head out to find myself a new local coffee shop… <3