I just finished writing in my journal and it was, as always, illuminating

The entry started with a statement of how bad my eating has been today because “I was really hungry this morning and so I ate an early lunch.”

It is, again as always, shocking to me how insidious and deep the ED voice is and how difficult it is for me to hear its presence. Because in reality, eating an early lunch when I was hungry is precisely what a healthy, non-ED person would do. So the failure was actually a success. Even if it still sits funny with me.

Less of a success has been too much time today spent trolling the Internet for where to eat. It is one of my most stubborn ED behaviours and one that pops up whenever I feel some conflicted emotions such as today’s feeling of uncertainty about the future (both of the day and also of my life – the big and the little questions).

I did buy a really yummy looking panino for after my hike tonight.

There was, however, an awkward moment. The gentleman in the paninoteca heated the sandwich up and gave it to me clearly assuming I was going to eat it right away and I lacked the words to explain it was for later. I managed to pay and leave but I was very close to tears. Even now I can feel them close. Food does such funny things to my emotions. Let me try to rephrase that, my reactions to food carry emotional content. In this case, perhaps, the experience was capturing my overall strong desire to be a part of this culture and place and, in my mind, the clear gap that exists before that reality.

Food is where I place all of my emotional content. Still.

Now I guess I better plan a bit about how to manage my insulin with that – hiking is tough for me to get the balance right. Throw in some whole grain bread for the panino and it might be a challenge tonight. I’ll try not to get frustrated.