ED in My Head

I just finished writing in my journal and it was, as always, illuminatingLight Bulb, Idea, Self Employed

The entry started with a statement of how bad my eating has been today because “I was really hungry this morning and so I ate an early lunch.”

It is, again as always, shocking to me how insidious and deep the ED voice is and how difficult it is for me to hear its presence. Because in reality, eating an early lunch when I was hungry is precisely what a healthy, non-ED person would do. So the failure was actually a success. Even if it still sits funny with me.

Less of a success has been too much time today spent trolling the Internet for where to eat. It is one of my most stubborn ED behaviours and one that pops up whenever I feel some conflicted emotions such as today’s feeling of uncertainty about the future (both of the day and also of my life – the big and the little questions).

Sandwich Vegetarian Healthy Panini Fresh FI did buy a really yummy looking panino for after my hike tonight.

There was, however, an awkward moment. The gentleman in the paninoteca heated the sandwich up and gave it to me clearly assuming I was going to eat it right away and I lacked the words to explain it was for later. I managed to pay and leave but I was very close to tears. Even now I can feel them close. Food does such funny things to my emotions. Let me try to rephrase that, my reactions to food carry emotional content. In this case, perhaps, the experience was capturing my overall strong desire to be a part of this culture and place and, in my mind, the clear gap that exists before that reality.

Food is where I place all of my emotional content. Still.

Now I guess I better plan a bit about how to manage my insulin with that – hiking is tough for me to get the balance right. Throw in some whole grain bread for the panino and it might be a challenge tonight. I’ll try not to get frustrated.

Naked Shower

Water Jet, Shower, Garden Showerhead

I got to have a naked shower tonight!

I think this might be a term and a concept particular to me but I do hope that there are other diabetics out there who can relate. Maybe you have your own special term?

What do I mean by naked shower? I mean when the stars and the days align and I get to shower on a day when I change both my CGM sensor and also my infusion set. It happens every 3rd or 4th sensor which, I know is not that rare, but typically my daily shower includes an awareness, even if muted, of adhesives and water and detach-ment. Because of this, it feels incredibly freeing when I get to have a shower with no thoughts of soap and sticking and where I can safely use my loofah sponge.

Some days it truly is the small things for me.

My shower was blissful.

Basta Pasta

Last night my friends took me out for dinner and my main option was pasta.  Now I love pasta and yet it’s a major challenge for both ED and diabetes.  All those calories.  All those carbs that are slow to enter the system.Spaghetti, Pasta, Noodles, Italian, Eat

So last night was challenging for me (I tried many different words there, but I’ll stick with “challenging”).

I don’t think Italians often leave food so I felt rude.  Though, luckily, my friend knows about my diabetes so at least that part makes sense to her.  I have not shared ED – that’s my private cross to bear and just as with my new partner, her not knowing pushes me to eat more normally and that is essential for my recovery.  In any case, I probably left about 1/3-1/2 of the pasta on my plate though it looked like I had barely eaten.

Overnight, I had the dual challenge of a failing sensor that I don’t want to change until the last possible moment and a quickly changing BS level.  From a nice 6.0 when I went to bed, to a not-so-nice 19.2 in the middle of the night.

Gargoyle, Architecture, CathedralToday I am grateful I can go slowly on my own and putter through my day.  I am tired.  It’s days like these when I feel frustrated with diabetes and ED and all of it.  These frustrations, ironically, fuel more ED thoughts and so I must fight my destructive side even harder at this moment of feeling weaker than normal.

I know life isn’t fair.  But I can still wish it was.

Honesty

Well, if I am going to write here then I shall strive to do so with honesty, not just the highlights.

This little story started out as a highlight… I went to a caffe for my cappucino and cornetto alla crema.  It’s a place I went on my first trip to Turin.  The barman was extremely friendly and helpful and I remember how energized I felt last time.  Anyhow the barista today put a tiny spoon with cream on my plate along with the coffee and I wasn’t sure what to do and decided to be brave and ask someone else at the bar.  The woman I asked nodded that yes, I was to stir it into the coffee.  The man next to me was watching and added that it’s like sugar, and also better with plain coffee.  I think he was a little amused by me.

In this caffe, you pay after and he was behind me in line and pointed out the sweets in the case and mentioned they are specialties of Turin.  So I asked some questions and bought a couple of kinds.  The one he named was “bacio di dama” – “lady’s kiss”.

Image result for bacio di dama

By the way this was all in Italian so I was feeling, again, energized and proud.

Then the ‘not-so-proud but I’m here to be honest’ bit.  I walked in the park was was running a bit low so decided to try the sweets.  Almost without even thinking I bit into each of them in turn, chewed and spit them out.  The habits of my ED are so ingrained that it really took me a few moments to recognize how eating disordered that was.  I wish I could say I only feel shame and disappointment but I admit there’s still that small part of me that is cheering the whole thing on and celebrating the avoidance of extra calories.

However, the positive is that I don’t want that part anymore.  Even as I feel this slight joy, I recognize how unhealthy it is and how much I don’t want that life.  I want to eat the bacio di dama not just taste it.

I’d love to say “that’s it.  I will never do that again” but I recognize that’s too cocky.  However, I will say that I plan to be more aware and strive to only put in my mouth what I feel capable of eating.  That is a goal I can work with right now.

I Survived Salone del Gusto!

Mamma mia!

I really had no idea what I was getting into but I sure am glad I went.  Multiple exhibition halls and so many people and producers – I was completely overwhelmed and awed.  And odd.  Though I am shyly impressed that I managed to go through it and survive and enjoy the whole experience.

The picture simply cannot capture the scale of the event:

I realized as I walked through how I am becoming quite skilled at observing others to learn what to do… At the metro, to tap my ticket.  At the exhibition, to have my bag checked.  At the food stalls, to take a sample with the toothpick on the side.  At other stalls, to buy the food.  Quite proud really.  These are simple things when you know but intimidating when you don’t and I managed just fine.

In many ways, it turned out to be an ideal eating experience for me.  I could go and try little bits of many things with no pressure to eat more.  I could be selective about which booths I visited and no one was watching me eat.  As such, I managed to try items I normally wouldn’t get the chance to try… so many types of cheeses, a Ligurian pesto, olive pate, and chocolates from many Italian regions.  And beer tasters too.  Aside from the beer, the food was fantastic.  I’ve yet to find a good Italian craft beer.

It was a very different experience than I believe it would have been in North America.  The samples were very small and people seemed quite happy with this.  No one appeared to be overindulging and most were also buying items.  I can imagine people taking much more advantage of the tasting in North America but that just didn’t seem to be the case here.

Salone del Gusto – another reason for me to love Italy and Turin.  Another chance to push my limits just a bit more.

And my BS at the moment?  10.2.  A little high but not bad given the unknowns in my intake.

A taster and teaser…

Salone del Gusto

September 23 – So what might seem the least likely thing for a diabetic woman trying to work through recovery from anorexia? I know, a food festival! However, Salone del Gusto is in Turin this weekend and so am I. So… that’s where I’m headed.Architecture Building Modern Concrete Stee

It’s apparently a world class event – Turin is the birth place of Slow Food and they take it seriously. It’s held every two years and is a celebration of food and culture. I’m scared and excited all at one.

I’ll report back later.

(Also unlikely?  That cornetto alla crema I had for breakfast. So so good.  I will not allow guilt.)

Hot Chocolate Breakfast Drink Cup Beverage

Popcorn

September 22 –

10 o’clock at night and I smell popcorn. And fuck do I want some. But I have had a full day of eating and, even more relevant, I’m 19.3. No more eating for me today. You can’t stop me from salivating.Popcorn Corn Sweet Knabberzeug Delicious P

My first full day in Italy and it has been a pleasant blur. An uninspiring breakfast to be sure. One that cemented the ongoing presence of my ED. There was a lot of negotiation betwee “I should eat something” and “why waste the calories on merely adequate food?” All of it with a constant overlay of… “I shouldn’t eat this anyway – so many carbs!”. I ended up pulling myself together and had some eggs along with a piece of bread and cheese.

Key Keychain Close Up Key Key Key Key Key was wolfed down (what?! I never do that. Except I did!) because I thought I couldn’t get into my apartment. Yes, in a comedic note, it turns out that if you put your key in the wrong door, it’s true, that door will not open. Sigh.

An afternoon of slow wandering and a perverse pleasure in realizing my health numbers showed much more distance covered over the course of the day than expected. It’s so hard to reconcile what I know I should think and do with what I actually think and do. Maybe I’m hoping that writing here in this space again might help.

Even if I’m the only one who ever reads it. Let’s be honest, it is rather comforting to think that there is likely never to be a second reader. This stuff is personal!

I did feel some panic in wondering if FiorFood would be accessible (there were food festival events there tonight). I got in quickly, however, and truly enjoyed my caponata. Three times in Turin and I’ve eaten there every time. Though I still felt the call to save room for a late-evening snack which I have just finished. I really do want to outgrow this particular habit.

Italy, Diabetes, ED… and Me

September 21 – Oops – this was supposed to be my first triumphant entry in what I am dubbing – Italy, Diabetes and ED. Maybe – the title is a work in progress. (edit – you can see I changed it but not much).

Anyhow, that’s on hold for a moment as the plane is rather bumpy at the moment and though I try to remain wise and okay with it, yep, I’m not. I did so well with the wind as we headed out of Amsterdam that I think I was overly proud and optimistic about his last little leg. Instead, here I am kind of freaking out again.

Clouds, Sky, Dramatic, Air, Atmosphere

I really did have this moment of peace on the way up and almost an indulgent fondness for my anxiety. I wish that was back now.

Oh well. Let’s try anyway. Here I am! In the air on my way back to Italy – the place where my heart finds peace even when the world is chaos. This time, since I don’t really have much of a plan, my plan is to capture (if only for myself) the challenges of diabetes and and ED while doing one’s best to embrace life and recovery.

But first this plane needs to land safely.

Night Flight, Plane, Airport