This was my dinner last night:

Beautiful, right?  And I’m still struggling with whether or not it is/was enough.  These days I am drawn to grilled veggies and salads when I go out.  Okay, that doesn’t sound SO bad.  But then I end up snacking when I get home on flatbread crackers and cheese.

I struggle so much to let a meal out, or with others, be the end of my eating.  I always am looking to leave a little bit of room so that I can eat more when I am alone at home.

Why? I vacillate on the reaons but I think it is association with comfort and relaxation.  Maybe. But even that doesn’t quite ring true.  It certainly is a good thing to explore if I am to change this pattern.  This pattern that makes it a heck of a lot easier to be alone.

Now that I write that, I wonder if part of that drive right now is this weird state I’m in of spending quite a bit of time with others (who I don’t know that well) contrasted with a loneliness BECAUSE I don’t know people well here.  I gravitate toward tending to my feelings by restricting when out then eating alone later.

 

I also need to admit that a part of it is that there are things I want to eat and I am denying myself b/c I remain scared of gaining weight.  Of losing my attractiveness and appeal.  Things that I know will pass anyway yet I cling to now.  

So fickle and shallow are my ways and yet so deep are the emotions and thoughts beneath.