Well, if I am going to write here then I shall strive to do so with honesty, not just the highlights.

This little story started out as a highlight… I went to a caffe for my cappucino and cornetto alla crema.  It’s a place I went on my first trip to Turin.  The barman was extremely friendly and helpful and I remember how energized I felt last time.  Anyhow the barista today put a tiny spoon with cream on my plate along with the coffee and I wasn’t sure what to do and decided to be brave and ask someone else at the bar.  The woman I asked nodded that yes, I was to stir it into the coffee.  The man next to me was watching and added that it’s like sugar, and also better with plain coffee.  I think he was a little amused by me.

In this caffe, you pay after and he was behind me in line and pointed out the sweets in the case and mentioned they are specialties of Turin.  So I asked some questions and bought a couple of kinds.  The one he named was “bacio di dama” – “lady’s kiss”.

By the way this was all in Italian so I was feeling, again, energized and proud.

Then the ‘not-so-proud but I’m here to be honest’ bit.  I walked in the park was was running a bit low so decided to try the sweets.  Almost without even thinking I bit into each of them in turn, chewed and spit them out.  The habits of my ED are so ingrained that it really took me a few moments to recognize how eating disordered that was.  I wish I could say I only feel shame and disappointment but I admit there’s still that small part of me that is cheering the whole thing on and celebrating the avoidance of extra calories.

However, the positive is that I don’t want that part anymore.  Even as I feel this slight joy, I recognize how unhealthy it is and how much I don’t want that life.  I want to eat the bacio di dama not just taste it.

I’d love to say “that’s it.  I will never do that again” but I recognize that’s too cocky.  However, I will say that I plan to be more aware and strive to only put in my mouth what I feel capable of eating.  That is a goal I can work with right now.